Happy Being Miserable
It’s clear from the variety of self improvment tv shows, magazine articles, books and websites that many of us humans feel dissatisfied with our lives and believe that we can achieve the ultimate happiness by somehow making ourselves more succesfull, both personally and professionally. I am not going to sit here and tell you that money has no relation to happiness. Anyone who has had to struggle to pay their bills is well aware that being broke can and will make you stressed and unhappy, and of course that is magnified a thousand fold when you are talking about real poverty. So no, I don’t believe that money can’t make you happy or unhappy. Only the rich or the stupid could make such a ridiculous claim, as they don’t understand that money can make the difference between being hungry and full, sick and well, alive or dead. Being dead would certainly ruin my day.
I am also not going to dispute that many people have emotional or social issues which prevent them from enjoying life as much as they might otherwise. There are countless problems, both mental and physical, that can hamper our emotional development. Getting help either through medical treatments, drugs, therapy or personal development can obviously be a great help for people with real problems and can help you improve your emotional life, in the same way that getting guidance or training can improve your professional life.
What I am going to dispute however, is the notion that we SHOULD be happy. At least not all the time. Yes, of course we could all benefit from having a good job and a stable financial situation and many of us might also benefit from help on the emotional side of things. However, in our efforts to achieve as much happiness as possible we seem to have forgotten one thing… that it is in fact totally normal and acceptable for us to be unhappy sometimes. Unhappiness isn’t something that needs to be fixed, it’s just part of life. As much as we might try, there is no way you can protect yourself entirely from bad luck in both your personal and professional life.
The reality is that people get sick, businesses become unstable, economies collapse, people make mistakes, people lose their jobs, partners fall in love with other people, children commit crimes, friends become junkies, mothers get cancer and people we care about die, time and time again. I’m not trying to depress you all here, it’s just part of life and of course we get the flip side. We meet the man or woman of our dreams and fall in love, have brilliant times with our friends, achieve success in our jobs, make beautiful kids, eat a great burger and of course have fantastic sex.
Whatever your personal beliefs, it’s clear that life is full of ups and downs. Sure, some people have worse luck that others. Madonna having millions might seem unfair when you compare it to the life of the African woman who made her a baby, but I am willing to bet that both have experienced joy and sadness. Of course living in a poverty striken coutry is going to include a lot more hardship than the life of an international superstar, but that shows how random luck can be. Of course a person who has millions will be able to remove a some misery from their lives, but they will still have to deal with death and loneliness just like the rest of us. Not saying we should pity them for this any more than anyone else, but it just proves that we all deal with unhappiness and the randomness of luck sometimes.
So now that I have convinced you that we are all doomed to bad luck, misfortune and misery for the rest of our short lives I guess I should get to the point. Basically I value the bad stuff almost as much as the good. I’m not saying I dance a jig at funerals or feel glee at my own misfortune. Of course I am sad when bad stuff happens and I might cry or whine about my horrible luck. I will certainly tell my friends about my misery and accept their sympathy and might even write a blog post about it. What I will try not to do however, is ask ‘Why me?’. As tempting as a bit of self pity is, thinking that you don’t deserve this kind of horrible luck or wondering why you have it so much harder than everyone else is the way madness lies. As we have already discussed, everybody has bad luck and there is no way you can control it. The only thing you can control is how you deal with the crap life throws at you. How you let your unhappiness manifest itself.
If you have convinced yourself that you deserve constant happiness life will seem very unfair, as you will undoubtedly have problems just like everyone else, and might even escalate them by your inability to cope with tough situations. Accepting that some things are out of your control will make these situations a lot easier to deal with, as you can let things go rather than beating yourself up or considering yourself a failure. Even if you do make a mistake, learning from it, accepting your error and moving on will lead to a lot less unhappiness in the long run.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t have a good old moan when bad luck strikes. A healthy whine can be theraputic and if nothing else can provide plenty of comedy. Just remember that some unhappiness is normal and unevitable. As bad as you might feel it will pass, even if it that seems impossible. Even if you have a long term problem, maybe pain or ill health, poverty or danger, mental or emotional issues, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. No matter how bad things get there will always be something good on the horizon, maybe getting a loving hug, enjoying a great movie, having a cuddle with a purring cat or reading a good book. Whatever it is that makes you happy, remember that you can and will enjoy them again. By facing and accepting the negatives that you have no control over, you should be able to keep your unhappiness to a minumum and will be able to appreciate the good things even more.
I will leave you with some pics of stuff that makes me happy…
Life is such a struggle. The down times teach us how to deal with the up times. I am writing more than I ever have in my life but lnow I am going to be getting peppered with rejections.
I had a crappy childhood and looked like my adult life was going to follow but I dug in and pulled it out. I am happier now then I have ever been and yet I have developed some new weird migraine illness.
I just had a birthday and it was a good one but the constant lifelong struggle of forging a relationship with my mom has finally collapsed in on itself. My mom has ironically decided to extract me from her life. This is after years of me fighting myself to extract her from mine. This happened on my birthday. (future blog of course)
My wife was concerned and asked me how I felt and I told her the truth. I was both angry that my mom was once again thinking about herself first and relieved because I knew that I was through with the game.
Life is a thrill ride and most of the time I am just holding on with both hands. I love it most of the time. I hate it some of the times. It makes me happy, it makes me sad.
Thank you for another great post. You always get me thinking (and consequently rambling on). One of the reasons this last year has been such an up year for me is all the new and interesting friends I have made. I look forward to meeting you and your husband this summer
Me too, will certainly be one of the good times.
Yes! Yes!
I say this all the time to people – where did we get this notion that we must be happy all of the time? It can be quite a burden to carry.
Well said.
Thank the gods I don’t have to be happy all the time. I would be crap at it!! And I totally agree that “Why me?” is a nonsensical question.
It helps, of course, if the people close to you are accepting of you when your mood is a down one. There are certain close family members who I will always be forced to keep in the dark about any sadness or dissatisfaction I’m feeling, because they have proven time and time again that they’re not strong enough to deal with any hint that things are going less than completely swimmingly for me. The people we grow up with can very much shape our tendency even into adulthood to think that we must always feel, or appear to feel, a certain way.
Should is a word that makes a prisoner of me. Every time I use ‘should’ I make myself not good enough, or I make someone wrong. I prefer the word ‘Could.’ Could gives me (and the other person) choices and freedom.
I love your wise and wonderful insights. Reading your blog makes me happy.
I couldn’t agree more as someone who was chronically “unhappy” until I discovered that there was nothing wrong with being unhappy at times. My happy pills don’t make me happy all the time, but they do allow me to be happy sometimes. It’s all about the balance – and not being dead!
Very true. I know it’s a cliche but I have always believed that you can’t have the highs without the lows. You just can’t. I think the depth, height and duration of the troughs and peaks is variable but if you aim to lose the troughs you’ll end up just ‘comfortably numb’, which is the worst place to be, in my opinion. I’m glad to have a secure income now – I can afford to take my family on fabulous trips. But on a day to day basis my feelings of happiness or unhappiness or no greater than when I was a penniless student. I believe that ‘embracing’ the lows, with passion, is the key to relishing the highs, with passion.
“I know it’s a cliche but I have always believed that you can’t have the highs without the lows. ”
Totally agree, and I am pleased so many of you guys are on the same page.
In a way it kind of feels like I am stating the obvious sometime, but unfortunately I do think we are encouraged to aim for the impossible. So it’s just nice to remind myself that perpetual happiness isn’t realistic.
Thanks for all the great comments, makes my ranting seem a lot more worthwhile and always gives me something to think about.
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What a great article and I totally agree. Without some of the misfortune and down-right bad luck, we wouldn’t appreciate the good stuff. And it’s such a part of human nature, that when things are going my way (which is usually not that often or for long periods of time) I feel as though I’m waiting for some bad luck to return.
It’s kinda weird to think about, but the good and bad bouts are a refreshing break from one another. It helps put life back into perspective, or change perspective.
so, thanks for this
Read this whilst feeling a deep shade of blue this morning (insomnia has gripped me by the throat yet again).
Your piece eased my misery guilt and my spirits were lifted when I viewed your happy pics. Loved your euphoric Snow Boarding stance.
Thank you lovely one. X
“We meet the man or woman of our dreams and fall in love, have brilliant times with our friends, achieve success in our jobs, make beautiful kids, eat a great burger and of course have fantastic sex.”
Wow – busy day.
I couldn’t agree more. There are some experiences in my life which I’d quite cheerfully go back, delete and clone-brush over with a bit of life which was less knuckle-bitingly stressy, but on the whole the lows give added sweetness to the highs. It’s also hard to be grumpy and curmudgeonly when you’re happy, and I seem to have a grumping quota which I must fulfil every month if I don’t want to end up being all chirpy and annoying.
Gareth (@dartacus)
PS – Love this layout, btw.
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You’re quite right. I hate the moaning, both in myself and in others! Particularly I hate when people say to me: “Oh, you didn’t deserve that [whatever it is].” No, I bloody well didn’t, but I didn’t NOT deserve it either!
I read a lot about happiness – a branch of psychology called Positive Psychology – because I want to be better at handling my own response to adverse events. Among new research results is the interesting thing that – on average – we are in control of 40% of our own happiness. Of course, if you’re born in Sudan and all your family was killed and you’re now a boy soldier, it’s a lot less than 40%. And perhaps if you’re born from lovely, well-off parents in Denmark (happiest country on planet, allegedly) who have passed on ample good looks and high IQ to you, you have more than 40%.
But, if 60% is a given on average, then there’s still 40% where we can create our own happiness. By that I don’t mean the constant feeling of bliss, but a general ability to get on with things, take joy in daily life and being good at handling crises.
Tal Ben-Shahar (http://talbenshahar.com/) also claims that the worst enemy of happiness is perfectionism. I think he could be right!
Keep up the great blogging.
To quote the great movie Heathers “If you were happy every day of your life you wouldn’t be a human being, you’d be a game show host.”
Another fine post.
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Am loving the pics of things that make you happy! We really shouldn’t expect to be happy all the time, but hey….. it certainly doesn’t hurt to be totally and completely in bliss as often as you can be!